the four right chords can make me cry

tommorrow i get my A level results, so i guess that warrants a post.

Today was supposed to be my fun and happy day to take my mind off the A's. Supposed to go kayaking and then over to mei yi's and then my classmates were supposed to come for a stay over. NONE of that materialised. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt disappointed.

got a call at 9am this morning, which woke me up. it was aezoh, said that serene was too tired to come with us, so was kayaking still on? not that i blame serene at all, guess it just happened. and just like that my morning of fun in the sun was cancelled. then i checked my phone, a message from aezoh telling me the same thing.... and... one from mei yi telling me that the evening's session was cancelled cos she was feeling dizzy. again not her fault at all. but not a nice way to wake up in the morning.

really felt like going back to sleep, mildly upset that things were falling apart. but i said to myself that i wasnt going to be miserable, convinced that i serve a infinetely good God. my plans may have been taken away from me, but maybe God had something even better planned for me. So rather than going back to bed, i dragged myself out and began to plan out the day's activities as i brushed my teeth.

i went to east coast anyway. Although i just told ben and aezoh last week that i wouldnt go all the way to east coast to run, that's just what i did. ok, so slow jog was more appropriate to describe my speed, but im proud that i got off my butt and dragged myself all the way there to do it! achievement sia... but i negated all that hard work by chowing down at macdonald's after that. what to do, they had the cheapest food. did a spot of bible reading there too, in all a nice peaceful morning spent with just me and my thoughts.

kinda sleepy when i got home (exercise has that effect on me, which would also explain why i've been having trouble getting to sleep recently =P) so fell into deep sleep the moment i hit the bed. and i mean hit the bed. the last thing i remembered was going down so hard that i bounced.

rudely awoken at like 2 something by my brother who rang home. i heard it but didnt really feel like leaving the soft embrace of my warm bed. it was raining man.... and i was all cosy. but then i realised "crap, that might be him stuck out in the rain and calling me to open the gate. he might get electrocuted!" (yesh, i think spastic thoughts) so i drag myself to the phone. and characteristically, it stops ringing once it gets within my field of vision. ALWAYS happens.

i bought a pair of slippers yesterday but they didnt have my size so i was supposed to go down to bugis today to pick them up. had planned it into the schedule, threw in a movie as well to give myself more purpose being at bugis. planned to go alone, since i've never done that before, and what better moment than now to sieze the opportunity. but on the bus ride home from east coast, i thought should be a more social creature so i messaged various people asking them to come with me. Long story, but basically they all turned me down or did not reply me except ben.

bugged darren to go with me, and being the easy-going feller that he is, i managed to do it. (or perhaps im very whiny) when we got there, bought 3 tickets for me darren and ben. but minutes later i call ben to check where he was, and he said he wasnt coming anymore!!! but again not his fault, cos he got lost or something and ended up in paya lebar.

that about did it for me, let the badness of the day take over me. felt so guilty that ben wasted $7.50. kept whining about it. but the movie was good! something's gotta give. should do a review, but some other day i guess. after the movie i was still feeling bad about ben, and whining to darren. then he told me, "but isnt it his fault? he stood you up." fwah, that boy makes alot of sense sometimes. began to feel less bad!

after the movie, i brought him to all my favourite haunts in bugis (except the toilet, will tell you how fabulous toilets are another day). went shopping with him, it was kinda fun. I think its nice to go out with family, you feel so comfortable, no need to be extra nice, no need to put up your defenses. and going out with my brother is even better cos we're into the same things, we speak at the same wavelength (which at this moment is Ali G style, its damn funny, you should see him go "wesside")

then we met up with daddy for dinner cos he works near bugis now. my idea; cos dinner with dad means its free. heh. He took us to the 24 hour steakhouse that we went to yesterday!!! yeah innit cool? 24 hours steak! it was a nice dinner, enjoyed it immensely. love my daddy.

then we hung around till mum came to fetch us at like 10 plus. went to coffeebean cos daddy wanted to surf there, he had a centrino laptop. this means, of course, that daddy's girl got a nice drink. heh.

then i thought about it, it's the first movie i've watched ALL YEAR! and the best dinner i've had all year too. so you see, God is GOOD!

guess mom had a bad day, cos she was being very grouchy about having to fetch us and then we not buying anything for her. she never asked what... and im no mind reader, how did i know what she wanted. and she asked me for her share of my pay and even drove me to the ATM to get it. when i reminded her that she was only getting $55 she accused me of siphoning it away. okay not in those words, but her tone was so scathing okay, i was hurt. I'm already giving you money, and i already explained why i only came to $55 in the end already (half of $360=$180, -$70 for renewal of passport= $110 divide between mom and dad=$55 each). then she claims i never told her and said better take it now before it becomes even less. that really hurt me. i wanted to give her the money with a joyful heart, knowing that i was doing a good thing, but the way she demands it of me... it was just so hurtful

but i bit my lip and took it. suppressed the bad feelings. good la, becoming more mature, didnt burst out in tears or anything. when we were really near home, the car stopped cos this guy was backing out and taking a really long time. dont know what came over me, but i just suddenly felt like walking home so i said in a cheerful voice "feel like walking home. see you." opened the car door and walked out. really seem to be acting on my impulses today.

nothing was mentioned of it when i strolled casually through the door. that's the way my family is, we dont talk abt anything. it wasnt an act of rebellion, really. i just felt like it, not out of spite or anything, and then just acted on it. no rebellious intent so my conscience is clear. but then i started thinking, what if it was percieved as a rebellious act, does it then matter whether i intended it or not? i dont know...

i could choose to focus on the bad things that happened today. but no. today was a good day given by a good God.

am i nervous about tmr? i havent even thought about it yet. I will be nervous at 2:30 though.

posted by beckyboo @ 11:47 PM